Vee couldn’t sleep. Pfft. Of course not, Vee could never sleep. Sleep wasn’t one of those things Vee just did. Jack was trying to stay awake with him, and unlike so many times before seemed to be having a pretty good time of it. They weren’t saying much, neither of them were, but even without speaking, something felt off.
Vee looked down at Jack then he felt a tug at the back of his neck. Jack was holding the ball-link-chain of Vee’s tarnished old necklace in one hand and fumbling with the tags with his thumb.
“What are you doing?” Vee asked softly. Jack answered but didn’t look up. He kept his eyes fixed on the tags.
“Thinking.”
They sunk back into silence and Vee leaned his head back into the pillow. The goddamn pillows were too flimsy and too thin, but he could barely concentrate on that. The soft tugging and light clink of metal was all that he could pay any attention to.
He ran his hand down Jack’s bare back and pulled the younger man closer.
“Jack?” he whispered, trying not to let the feeling of intense awkwardness he was feeling escape with his words.
“What’s wrong” Jack asked. Vee didn’t have to look at him to know he was smiling. He felt the slight shift of Jack’s head on his shoulder and brought his hand back up to tangle in Jack’s hair.
“Nothing.” Vee lied. Jack would be able to tell, he always seemed to know, but Vee lied anyway.
Jack let out an exaggerated sigh and rolled his eyes. He said nothing, and continued to fiddle with the necklace.
More silence. The slow ticking of clock hands to indicate every second as it passed by, and eventually Vee spoke again.
“Does it bother you?” he asked.
Jack looked up at him, resting his chin on the older man’s collarbone. “What?”
“That I still wear… his… does it bother you?” Vee was having a hard time getting his words out.
Jack let out a deep breath through his nose and looked back to the tags in his hand. “No.”
“Are you lying?” Vee asked, not being quite as adept with lie-detecting as Jack was.
Jack’s eyes flicked up to Vee and then back to the tags. “Probably… at least a little bit.”
“Because I could stop wearing them if…”
“No.” Jack’s hand balled into a fist around the tags.
“But…”
“I’m not going to guilt you into not wearing them, Vee…” Jack made a noise that was probably supposed to be a laugh. “Besides, it gives me a… a goal… you know?”
Vee shook his head, “No, no I don’t know…what sort of ‘goal’ could they possibly give you?”
“It just…” Jack laughed again. “I like to think that maybe some day I can… I can…” he squeezed his eyes shut and his grip on the tags tightened. “I can mean as much to you as he did.” Jack was smiling, but biting his lip as he did so. “I know I can’t ever be… what he was…” Jack sniffled “I know I can’t ever take his place… I just…”
Jack felt Vee’s hand cover his where it was balled on his chest. “Jack…”
“Shut up Vee.” Jack said, still smiling. “You’re lying.”
“I haven’t said anything yet.”
“But you’re going to lie… I can tell.”